Walking The Grounds

 

I have 6 children 5 boys and 1 girl, ages 6-20. The 4 youngest boys age 6-12 are my biological children. My wife had two kids from her former relationship, but I changed diapers on all of them so I feel they are my kids. Yes I know that I been in a way Cuckolded, and rising another man’s children is nothing I would recommend to anybody. I was young and did know little of life or intergender dynamics at the time but even now that I can in retrospective se the warning lights I would not change that decision.

Anyhow I have been with the younger boys at our family cottage in the Finnish archipelago. We have been here for a week and will stay another. And most importing we left mom home! Just us boys. We have fished, swimmed, waterskied, and had a blast. Evenings we spent on the patio playing cards and talking. When we get hungry we light the grill, with wood of course and have us a barby. At evenings we have all been quite tired and went to sleep early. This is something I recommend to every man and boy. To leave town and women, wife`s and mother`s and head for nature for as long as you can. Even one day is wort gold.

Today I was swimming with the boys and while they played in the water I walked on the beach and my mind starts to wander. This property has been in our family for years, my granddad bought it when my dad was young and it meant the world for him. He had been in the wars ( 39-45 ) and after that made a career in manufacturing. This place was he`s mental get away here the nightmares did not wake him, here he felt no stress. My father spent HI’s childhood summers here as later did I.

I remember when I was about 17-18 and I had come to help my dad and granddad at the cottage. I remember my granddad slowly walking the grounds looking around. Down to the beach, to the sauna and back to the cottage he walked with he`s hands behind his back. My dad put his arm around me and toke me to the side. “He`s taking it all in.. He won`t come here anymore this is his last summer” my father told me. Some years later in 2008 I was at the cottage again now with my father and my own family. We Finnish people love to stare at the fire, long dark cold winters maybe with nothing else to do… we are sitting by the fire and my father tells me he is ill, not long to live. (Alcohol had destroyed his liver and heart at the ripe age of 59; he had a diet of 4 bottles of vodka and 5 packs of sigs a day. Later I have called it Dad Diet ) Now I watch my dad in his turn walking the grounds, with he´s hands behind his back taking it all in… It was he`s last summer.

Growing up hearing war stories and later reading about the winter war I wondered how anybody would go thru such a hell. How was anything worth to die for..? Standing on the beach to day I understood. There is power in the land. Most of the Finns were farmers and had lived on the same spot for generations they were fighting for their grounds. There is power in tradition, there is power in ancestry. Modern society has many times lost this simple truth.

Not everybody can be a property owner or wants to be, but they too can draw power from the grounds. U can make a mental ground. But I recommend doing something physical. Make it a tradition taking your kids for a hike, or climb up a hill. Make a fire and stare in it. Just talk about life or sit quiet, just be, exist and draw power. The experience will grow with time and become more spiritual and if you can give this tradition to your kids or somebody else u will be spreading the power even after your last summer. No kids; Go alone or with a friend. There is only one rule. No women!

In a way I was now walking the grounds, taking it all in. No I’m not dying. Not to my knowledge. But this is my last summer. My last summer on these grounds. My grandmother passed away and this place will likely be sold. It´s sad, there are so many memories here good and bad. I will leave a part of me here, a part that cannot be replaced.

So I walk the grounds.

The Hunt

Ok, it’s been 6 months since my breakdown and rebirth, many things I still don´t understand, what really happened to me and who I am. I daily learn new things about myself. I react in new ways and surprise myself. But in general life has turned to the better. Not that everything has been easy queasy. Just in the last two months there has happened a lot. In the time of just two weeks we got the news that my work for a company I served for 13 years will end in December, our daughter got diagnosted with an eating disorder ( Anorexia ) and my wife`s father passed away. We just last year bought a big house and spent lots on the remodeling ( all my savings and some )  before we moved in and now IM going be out of work..!

So we spent the summer so far going to the doctor with our daughter, having a funeral, and so that things would not be too easy my wife`s father lived in another country. And of course I spent some time thinking about what IM going to do for a living. My wife has been home with the kids for almost 15 years so IM the sole bread winner. As counting from today I got 5 months to think of something , get started and from January on make a good income from it. No stress!

Before anyone suggests, working for somebody else is not an option even if that would be the “easy” way, the Wolf will not be caged. I will hunt free for my living or starve doing it. It´s the way of the nature. It´s mildly said weird that only last year, a couple of months ago I would have been totally devastated. Cried myself to sleep, worried myself to death. All day long thought of all things that could go wrong!

Of course these things had an impact on me. I would be worried if not. But am I scared? No! Am I sick of worry and self-doubt? No!

I have found Pease, and a state of no fear! The wolf does not succeed with every hunt but does the wolf fear the hunt? I think not. The hunt is in the blood, the hungrier it gets the more it craves to eat. I have a new found calm state and I belive that with every door that closes one will open. Life is full of possabilities! No time in history has there been so many options, so much pray. So I smile in the face of adversary. I know that even if I lose all I have, job, house, wife! I can take it all back. I can have a good life. If I only stay true to myself, not lose faith. After all The wolf doesn’t lose faith in his ability to hunt why should you?

So no fear! The hunt is in the blood.

The Name

TWA / The Wolf Awakens

I had reached my breaking point.. I knew I could not go on like this. Something had to break. It was I.

I broke down to molecules, I accepted all was gone. Life as I new it. I had failed, my dreams crusched down from sthe sky and hit the dirt. My hope for a happy ending down the toilet. I felt my self rip apart and had now strenght to fight it. I screamed silently in my head all my beeing an soul went into that scream but no sound escaped my lips. The scream grew bigger an “louder” it become a huge bubble inside me. And then it burst!

There I stood alone in the room,thougt I would die that I was having a heart attack. But I didn`t die, not physically,  just stod there trembbling. My old self was gone, me as I had known my self for 39 years was dead! There was only emptiness, a dark silent void where I as a person had been. I was crouched over,  I looked down on my feet my hands where shaking. But out of that void something woke, something old, something I didn´t know but it felt familiar, I welcomed it. Slowely I raised my head and looked at world for the firtst time as I.

The Wolf had Awakened!