The Name

TWA / The Wolf Awakens

I had reached my breaking point.. I knew I could not go on like this. Something had to break. It was I.

I broke down to molecules, I accepted all was gone. Life as I new it. I had failed, my dreams crusched down from sthe sky and hit the dirt. My hope for a happy ending down the toilet. I felt my self rip apart and had now strenght to fight it. I screamed silently in my head all my beeing an soul went into that scream but no sound escaped my lips. The scream grew bigger an “louder” it become a huge bubble inside me. And then it burst!

There I stood alone in the room,thougt I would die that I was having a heart attack. But I didn`t die, not physically,  just stod there trembbling. My old self was gone, me as I had known my self for 39 years was dead! There was only emptiness, a dark silent void where I as a person had been. I was crouched over,  I looked down on my feet my hands where shaking. But out of that void something woke, something old, something I didn´t know but it felt familiar, I welcomed it. Slowely I raised my head and looked at world for the firtst time as I.

The Wolf had Awakened!

Women be proud!

Why aren’t women proud? Proud to be women?

Even the most hard boiled feminist seem somewhat discontented to be female. Women strive to be more like men, more aggressive, more independent, more career oriented, more sexually promiscuous, more emotionally cold. In general women have tried to adopt more and more of traditionally masculine traits. And to the deprivation of both men and women they have succeeded.

Women are wealthier, healthier and better educated than they were just 30 years ago. They’re more likely to work outside the home, and more likely to earn salaries comparable to men’s when they do. They can leave abusive marriages and sue sexist employers. But all these achievements may have delivered women to greater unhappiness. In a study women where more happy in the -60s than now.

Why do women try to be more like men or at least behave like men? It confuses me, all things masculine is toxic and bad in men but the same behavior in women is “Go girl!” But if these behaviors doesn’t make women more happy or content with their life what´s the point? Why try to change to a behavior pattern that makes you unhappy?

One of my wife´s friends got a shitload of angry comments on facebook when she posted “im proud to be a feminine woman”. To her I say GO GIRL! I don´t remember the context but her “friends” got really angry and gave her a really hard time.. We live in times when you get at least verbally abused when you are proud of being a man or woman!

I wrote about being proud to be a man.. but likewise:

We need more women that are proud to be feminine women!

 

 

A letter to Thomas Page McBee

Thomas Page McBee

The writer of the post is a transgender, writing about the Trumpening. I took the time to comment this not because I have energy, time or will to actually care but this somehow is so descriptive of the “gendersliding” and dual moral standards of the feminine imperative.

You can read the original post here

“I have believed in family friends, men who knew my mom and honored her when she died. Men in rural Pennsylvania and West Virginia, white men who did not blink when she told them that I was a man, just like them. “That makes sense,” they said. “Thomas,” they called me, so easy.

Since I transitioned, I have tried to be the man I wanted to see in the world. I have struggled with expectations of what a man is supposed to be, like all good men do. It is hard to disregard a culture that expects mistreatment of women. It is hard to both be in this body and to refuse to uphold the history of what a man’s body can mean. But I believed that I wasn’t the only man ready to change that expectation. I believed that men, and women, wanted a woman president, a president that cared about my body, and the bodies of my friends. I believed in Americans’ hearts.

I am in London now, and will return home to a country that elected a walking symbol of the most noxious masculinity there is to lead us for the next four years. When America voted for Donald Trump, it voted for the kind of man I have tried, every day, to not be. I don’t know what will happen to my body, or to the black bodies and brown bodies and female bodies, that face dire consequences because of this choice. I have always believed in you, America. I wish you’d believed, just as hard, in me.”

Thomas Page McBee

Thomas, in this case you can consider your self a success. You will never, ever bee a man like President elect Donald Trump! But likewise you will never, ever be a man. I have to bee the one to break it to you but no amount of surgery and cutting in your female body, no amount of testosterone will ever make you a man. You are and will always bee a woman who wishes that she was a man. It gives me no pleasure to tell you this and I wish you no personal grief but the facts and reality stands and are not always what we wish them to bee.

Gender is not a social contract not some piece of clothing you can change according to your mood. Gender is a biological fact! The dualism of gender have made us humans the apex species of this planet.

This post by Thomas is a good example of how we should love ( and understand ) “her” unique snowflakeness. But alas if you don`t share “her” worldviews then you are evil. EVIL!

” Since I began injecting testosterone six years ago, I have believed in America. I have believed in the mothers who commiserated with me about hormones, and the ways their pregnant bodies echoed my shifting, transgender one”

Thomas you try hard and put your self at risk to bee a man but then you identify your self with pregnant women.. Im lost here..

I ll tell you something Thomas now that you strive to bee a man, ill tell you something about being a man.

  1. Men do not complain! ( ok if we have a flue then maybe.. : )
  2. The only opinion that matters are your own and maybe God
  3. Men have to always preform, no rest till you are 6 feet under
  4. Nobody owes you a thing, your entitled to nothing but what you make and / or take
  5. You alone are responsible for your own happiness!
  6. Your are the direct ancestor of greats that have build empires and all that you see in society today. ( talk about having the bar set high )
  7. You will not get any recognition or thank you`s for what you do and frankly you don`t even need that. You are still supposed to do all “the heavy lifting” in life, and you do because it`s just the way it is..
  8. Men make decisions
  9. Men have standards that last longer than their current mood
  10. Men`s life don’t matter

 

Still want to be a man Thomas?

Are you ready to speak with the roar of a lion or the howl of the wolf instead of with a whimper?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

White, Meat eating, Hetero Man

I have a confession to make. I am a dying species, about to be extinct!

I don`t bite Tofu, I don`t dress in women’s clothing, don`t use makeup, im not gay. I belive in traditional family values. I have opinions of my own, I don`t by everything the media feeds me. I have standards that I keep. I value a traditionally feminine woman, I hate if not feminists but yes feminism.  I speak my opinions even if they are not always popular. I hate the way political correctness have nooderd our society.

We can no longer speak about real issues or call things by their real names. In fear of being labeled this or that nobody says what they think. Only if your opinions are rainbow corrected can you speak them aloud, and get a ton of likes and nods from the mass that are too afraid to say what they really think about things.

Why? Why do I rant about this you may ask.

 I think it`s gone too far. The abnorm has become the norm or at least so it seems. The world is full of understanding and acceptance. You should understand this and you should accept that. And even all that acceptance is not enough. The majority should understand, accept and form themselfs after the lifestyle and demands of all minorities. The many shall live by the rule of the few. And everything will be fine and dandy.

But behold! The acceptance and understanding go out of the window the minute you air your opinions , if you think that marriage is between man and woman or you think something as stupid as that there are two genders. I have now learned that gender is a fluid thing and something everybody should be able to choose on a daily basis. Sorry my mistake..

Where did all the understanding and acceptance go?  Who understands and accepts me and my opinion? Well as it seems, openly nobody! This is a little like the “emperors cloths” Somebody needs to scream “ This is just crazy! He`s naked!!

Well fuck this!

I might be a dying breed, old-fashioned, a dinosaur.

I`ll be the last of the Mohicans, I’ll go with my head held high!

I am a meat-eating, hetero  man… and Proud!

Hope there are others..

#meateatingheteroman

My Dark Unicorn

No woman is a unicorn! A lesson I have learned the hard way. Do not I repeat DO NOT fall into the trap of thinking she’s not like other women! When in love its easy to think she’s a special little gem. And soon u treat her that way. What´s wroong with that ? u may ask.. Well if you want to be chewed alive and spit out, if you want your woman to start despising you, to cheat on you. Then nothing! But if you want a healthy relationship, a loyal wife and happiness, then get this right from the start.. don`t repeat my mistakes! There are no unicorns! End of story. And against all odds if there where, it still would be safer to treat here like she was not so there are no exceptions! J Your game needs to be on! All time, every day. No rest for men we need to perform. We need to be strong.

This blog is about my life, how it went down the toilet and how I started a new. So let`s start from the beginning! Not all the way, don`t want to bore u if anyone actually reads this. But it wont matter because this blogs by me for me! it`s my personal journal but you may take a peak if you choose.

I met my wife let`s call her L. when I was in my early twenties, she was and still is two years older. J She worked in the restaurant as a chef where I started as a waiter. She told me later the moment she saw me her hearth stopped and she fell in love. She knew she had to have that man ( boy ). We where both at the time in a relationship we where not happy in. Soon after I started at the restaurant we went out to party with the other workers. We started dancing and kissing and shared a taxi home( we lived in the same direction ). Things got heated in the cab and we would have ended in bed but both had somebody home waiting for us so I kissed her good night and exited the cab.

Next day at work we agreed that “nothing” happened and we should keep it that way. She was fun to work with and I flirted with her on a daily basis. I flirted with the customers also and even if she tried to not show it got to her a little. Sometimes she would ask what I tought about some girls sitting at a table and I would go and check them out. If they where cute I flirted with them and many times ended up with a number or two. I did not do anything with the numbers it was just a game for me. One time two regular girls that came about once a week and with who I flirted told my they would do a amature porn movie, they wanted me to come and do a threesome with them, they told they had a scene in mind where I would fuck them in a car. One of the girls was nice and fuckable but the other not so I declined with a laugh. I had standards to keep! Work in a restaurant can really be fun for a young man. The opportunities are many J I was ok looking in good shape and even if a had no formal game I was no chump! Later I have many times wondered what the fuck happened to me? Where did it go wrong, when and why did I start to slip. No matter how hard I try, I can`t put my finger on it. I only know what I become and where I ended but nothing in between.

After a while working in the same restaurant with L. We had a party at a co workers summer cabbine. I have newer seen or experienced a woman work so hard to get a man in bed sa she did to get me.She later told me she had decided to fuck me that night no matter what and that she almost lost hope ( I played hard to get) . She did every come on in the book and I just shrugged her off with a smile or asshole comment. That just made her try even harder. Well as you can guess that night we ended keeping everybody else awake with some long and loud noise. The following months where to put it mildly interesting. We where both in a relationship and living together so we fucked at work. We fucked before work, during work (don’t ask how is`possible ) and after work! Even to day I can not eat at a restaurant without imagining what has happened on my table or in the kitchen after closing hour. Even the managers keyboard in the office got it`s sample of bodily fluids.

The takeaway from this is: If a woman sees you as Alpha  she WILL find a way to fuck you! No matter what! And she will fuck you with devotion and urgency! All consequences set a side.

So far so good you may say. Yeas so far things are going good for me, im on top of my shit.

As I learned to know L. better there where warning signs. I can see them now because I have not only retrospective but also knowledge. It’s of utmost importance to spread the knowledge of game to young men. It could have saved me and also my family of so much pain if I only had a fraction of what I know now. She had a problematic childhood her mother was no real mother and L. had to take care of her younger sister at a very early age. Her mother has never to this day told her “ I love you”. L´s father left when she was 4 years old and they made contact again when she was twenty. When I met her she had two young children with an abusive man who she told me she only used to get away from her mother. And she wanted children so he was needed, she confessed she betrayed him every time she had a oportunity probably with 10 other men at least.

Now writing this I’m totally blown away by how I was blue eyed and naïve. But at this point the Love thing had clouded my vision. And she was hot, the sex was plenty and exiting. I enjoyed our time together. I had never been in love and it was a great feeling, and she totally worshipped me. Not long after we stared our fling we both left our respective other`s. I was not yet the pussy I would become and maintained my frame and told her that I considered myself still single, even if a was not seeing others. I wanted to keep my options alive.

We had a couple of great years, got our first son together in 2003 and life was nice. I had big ambitions and was involved in a startup company that went flying in the beginning but crashed and burned in the end. This could be a blog of it`s own right because so much happened, one partner got mentally ill and committed murder and the other used company money to renovate his apartment and travel abroad. And when things went sour I was the only one standing to put out the lights. But that`s another story. After the start-up I was unemployed a while and we had financial problems. I think this is the time things start to change. The unemployment got to me and I gained a few pounds and was a bit down. At this time I noticed that L. had no sympathy or empathy for me, she just could not handle my weakness. Later I noticed the same when I was ill had the flu or something, she got pissed at me being sick. Some years later I confronted her and asked why it was so terrible if I was sick and feeling down. She could not tell but admitted that she had a hard time handling me weak. Oh and how weak I would be.. ‘I broke out of the financial troubles and went into sales, I started my selling career strong and things started to look better again. But our relationship with L. was never the same. The frame had changed, and even if the changes where small at first and gradual, in time it was clear she was the head of the household and we even joked about it. Everything was done after her plan and how she wanted it to be done. I was happy to do things her way as I believed it made her happy. This had become my mission to make her happy. After all crap she gone trough I wanted to save her, to make her feel good about herself to make her life great.

At the time I had not come to the understanding of what I refer to as “the ultimate truth of happiness”

“Every man is responsible for his own happiness!”

It`s so simple, you just cant make another human happy, if they don`t want to be. Your impact on others happiness is very small, marginal at best. But at the time I took on myself to make her whole, mend her soul and make her happy.

This quest destroyed everything and made her despise me, yes women despice weak men who try to meet their every demand. The demands always get bigger or change and when you met them it still don`t matter. Your just a pice of lowlife beta sucker. I slowly got hooked on the drug L. I got addicted to serving my queen.  Do not get me wrong we had many good times and we had 4 kids together so things went ok,  we where happy for the most time. When we were together the two of us or as a family we had fun and we argued very little, but the seed for the crashes was sown. My life mission had become to make her life good but you just cant give up your self and expect somebody to respect you. And what happens when a woman loses respect for her man? What happens when a man loses respect for himself? Nothing good! That is for sure.

At this time I had become used to the fact that we had sex maybe ones a month, many times two months could go by. I sometimes got sad and confronted her that I needed her ; I needed closeness, physical tough and sexual intimacy. I was in one word needy I needed her so much! She explained that every relationship changes it`s not like in the beginning. And she just isin`t the sexual person she was anymore.

Now I know that`s just Bull! Women are sexual beings, if your LTR or wife don`fuck you anymore it`s not because she don`t want to fuck. She don’t`want to fuck YOU! It`s becouse you don`t give her the tingels anymore. She has not lost interest in sex she has lost intrest in sex with you! That`s a bitter fruit to swallow but denying wont help. You got to stop “bitching” about no sex in your LTR. Stop joking with your friends how you have no sex now that you been married for so long! You got to face the facts and do something! You got to man up!

The takeaway:

“Every man is responsible for his own happiness!”

 

Next: The Crash! Or why I hate yoga!

Fridge clean test

Or How you turn a nagging wife to sweet loving and willing in 2 mins.

 

Background:

I’m att the summer cottage with my boys and L. ( my wife ) is home cleaning. I cleaned the fridge a week ago and she finds fault in my handy work and start nagging about it. I recognise it for what it is a shit test.

Below I first show how this would have turned out last year and then how it wen`t now after my awakening. You may ask how I know It would have gone like that? I have known L. for some 6000 days and encountered these kinds of situations almost daily so my experience is counted not in hundreds but in thousands of similar situations. So im quite sure it would have gone down just as I imagined.

  1. The old TJ.

L. :                       A dumb question because you should answer “yes”, but did you clean the outside of the fridge and the lists in between?

TJ. :                     Oh, umh, I started to but then something came I think my mother called and I talked to her and maybe forgot… Sorry! Sorry! I can clean them better When I get back.

L. :                       Ok, then I understand, was wondering how I got the fridge so dirty when I have opened it like only ones a day.

L. :                       I’m going to wash your underwear from now on only from the outside… When you do something you have to do it properly. You can’t just leave it half done. How would your customers at work react if you did just half of what you promise? I get so mad, I do all the work at home and when I ask you to do one thing! One thing! Can you get it done? NO! I don´t know how I can trust you with anything when I can`t trust you with one simple thing like cleaning the fridge! And have you remembered to take the car to be serviced NO! And last year when I told you to clean the windows have you done that? NO! It`s only one year ago.. how long do you think I have to wait before you get things done.. ( and so on.. )

TJ. :                     Sorry, Sorry I will try to do better, to be better. I’m sorry ! I love you! You know that I don`t want to do anything to make you unhappy! I try my best but I only make you unhappy Im so sorry for being such a bad husband.

L. :Are you kidding me??? You spent to evenings cleaning the fridge and you didn´t even clean the whole thing… Cheese!!!

End of conversation.

If at home I would have tried to kiss god night and hold her in bed but she would have brushed me away and turned her back at me like 360 nights a year.

Not nice, I was unhappy, she was mad and unhappy and our relationship did not move in a better direction. So what is the solution. How do you turn this nagging in to loving and willing? Clean the fridge better? No, sorry I tried that solution and it just don`t work there will be something else.. Let`S se how this played out in reality:

2. The New TJ.

L. :                       A dumb question because you should answer “yes”, but did you clean the outside of the fridge and the lists in between?

TJ. :                     no

L. :                       Ok, then I understand, was wondering how I got the fridge so dirty when I have opened it like only ones a day.

L. :                       I’m going to wash your underwear from no on only from the outside…

TJ. :                     Ok, I’ll use them from no on, inside out

L. :                       Are you kidding me??? You spent two evenings cleaning the fridge and you didn´t even clean the whole thing… Cheese!!!

TJ. :                     No thanks, no cheese you know my stomach can´t handle diary

Then she cracks and answers “you asshole ” and a lot`s of smiles and hearts! And we continue a small flirty conversation.

I’m quite sure that if I would have been home she would have been on her knees for me.

So a little (or big ) change in your attitude and maintaining frame and no supplication or excuses and no im sorry! I repeat NO APPOLOGIES! And the outcome was better not just for me, but both of us. She was happy !

Our women want us to pass their tests, they want a man who is worth their affection. We as men are not supposed to be moved by our women. They expect us to stand our ground and if you fail it`s not the badly cleaned fridge that she is upset at. It`s the sheep of a husband that she is disappointed in. This took me to long to figure out so you be wiser and do it right from the go.

Walking The Grounds

 

I have 6 children 5 boys and 1 girl, ages 6-20. The 4 youngest boys age 6-12 are my biological children. My wife had two kids from her former relationship, but I changed diapers on all of them so I feel they are my kids. Yes I know that I been in a way Cuckolded, and rising another man’s children is nothing I would recommend to anybody. I was young and did know little of life or intergender dynamics at the time but even now that I can in retrospective se the warning lights I would not change that decision.

Anyhow I have been with the younger boys at our family cottage in the Finnish archipelago. We have been here for a week and will stay another. And most importing we left mom home! Just us boys. We have fished, swimmed, waterskied, and had a blast. Evenings we spent on the patio playing cards and talking. When we get hungry we light the grill, with wood of course and have us a barby. At evenings we have all been quite tired and went to sleep early. This is something I recommend to every man and boy. To leave town and women, wife`s and mother`s and head for nature for as long as you can. Even one day is wort gold.

Today I was swimming with the boys and while they played in the water I walked on the beach and my mind starts to wander. This property has been in our family for years, my granddad bought it when my dad was young and it meant the world for him. He had been in the wars ( 39-45 ) and after that made a career in manufacturing. This place was he`s mental get away here the nightmares did not wake him, here he felt no stress. My father spent HI’s childhood summers here as later did I.

I remember when I was about 17-18 and I had come to help my dad and granddad at the cottage. I remember my granddad slowly walking the grounds looking around. Down to the beach, to the sauna and back to the cottage he walked with he`s hands behind his back. My dad put his arm around me and toke me to the side. “He`s taking it all in.. He won`t come here anymore this is his last summer” my father told me. Some years later in 2008 I was at the cottage again now with my father and my own family. We Finnish people love to stare at the fire, long dark cold winters maybe with nothing else to do… we are sitting by the fire and my father tells me he is ill, not long to live. (Alcohol had destroyed his liver and heart at the ripe age of 59; he had a diet of 4 bottles of vodka and 5 packs of sigs a day. Later I have called it Dad Diet ) Now I watch my dad in his turn walking the grounds, with he´s hands behind his back taking it all in… It was he`s last summer.

Growing up hearing war stories and later reading about the winter war I wondered how anybody would go thru such a hell. How was anything worth to die for..? Standing on the beach to day I understood. There is power in the land. Most of the Finns were farmers and had lived on the same spot for generations they were fighting for their grounds. There is power in tradition, there is power in ancestry. Modern society has many times lost this simple truth.

Not everybody can be a property owner or wants to be, but they too can draw power from the grounds. U can make a mental ground. But I recommend doing something physical. Make it a tradition taking your kids for a hike, or climb up a hill. Make a fire and stare in it. Just talk about life or sit quiet, just be, exist and draw power. The experience will grow with time and become more spiritual and if you can give this tradition to your kids or somebody else u will be spreading the power even after your last summer. No kids; Go alone or with a friend. There is only one rule. No women!

In a way I was now walking the grounds, taking it all in. No I’m not dying. Not to my knowledge. But this is my last summer. My last summer on these grounds. My grandmother passed away and this place will likely be sold. It´s sad, there are so many memories here good and bad. I will leave a part of me here, a part that cannot be replaced.

So I walk the grounds.

The Hunt

Ok, it’s been 6 months since my breakdown and rebirth, many things I still don´t understand, what really happened to me and who I am. I daily learn new things about myself. I react in new ways and surprise myself. But in general life has turned to the better. Not that everything has been easy queasy. Just in the last two months there has happened a lot. In the time of just two weeks we got the news that my work for a company I served for 13 years will end in December, our daughter got diagnosted with an eating disorder ( Anorexia ) and my wife`s father passed away. We just last year bought a big house and spent lots on the remodeling ( all my savings and some )  before we moved in and now IM going be out of work..!

So we spent the summer so far going to the doctor with our daughter, having a funeral, and so that things would not be too easy my wife`s father lived in another country. And of course I spent some time thinking about what IM going to do for a living. My wife has been home with the kids for almost 15 years so IM the sole bread winner. As counting from today I got 5 months to think of something , get started and from January on make a good income from it. No stress!

Before anyone suggests, working for somebody else is not an option even if that would be the “easy” way, the Wolf will not be caged. I will hunt free for my living or starve doing it. It´s the way of the nature. It´s mildly said weird that only last year, a couple of months ago I would have been totally devastated. Cried myself to sleep, worried myself to death. All day long thought of all things that could go wrong!

Of course these things had an impact on me. I would be worried if not. But am I scared? No! Am I sick of worry and self-doubt? No!

I have found Pease, and a state of no fear! The wolf does not succeed with every hunt but does the wolf fear the hunt? I think not. The hunt is in the blood, the hungrier it gets the more it craves to eat. I have a new found calm state and I belive that with every door that closes one will open. Life is full of possabilities! No time in history has there been so many options, so much pray. So I smile in the face of adversary. I know that even if I lose all I have, job, house, wife! I can take it all back. I can have a good life. If I only stay true to myself, not lose faith. After all The wolf doesn’t lose faith in his ability to hunt why should you?

So no fear! The hunt is in the blood.